[Aldrick's Dwarfed Tomatoes]
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| Picture shown grossly enlarged and airbrushed. |
- 3 cups of water
- 3 large eggs
- 1 banana
- a spool of thread
- tomato seeds
- 8 cups of dirt
- 1 cup hamster poo (optional)
Directions
- Crack eggs. Store or immediately cook the yolk and whites.
- With a mallet and pestle, crush the egg shells into the size of rice grains. Set aside.
- In a large pot, pour 6 cups of dirt. Mix in 1 cup of hamster poo if desired.
- Place the seeds on top.
- Peel the banana, making sure not to smash the inside.
- Eat the banana. It's been hard work so far, and you deserve a delicious and nutritious treat.
- Place the banana peel into the pot, making a wide ring with it around the seeds.
- Pour the remaining 2 cups of dirt. Be sure to cover both the seed and the banana peel as much as possible. Level the dirt afterwards.
- Pour 3 cups of water uniformly throughout the dirt or until the surface is adequately wet about a thumb in.
- Garnish with the egg shells. This will improve the color of the product and provide a kick against slugs.
- Bake outside between 72°F and 83°F for a few weeks. Check every 24 hours to to keep the surface moist about a thumb in as it bakes.
- When a green shoot rises, lace it with thread for the birds' mouths.
- After a few months and the appearance of yellow openings, remove from heat and let cool in a mild place in the low 70s °F and high 60s°F. Be sure to keep the surface moist as it finishes baking.
- The pot is done when small red balls half the size of Christmas ornaments appear.
- Take the balls out of the pot and flaunt them before your significant other.
- Buy real tomatoes from Kroger, so you may hide your tomatoes in the refrigerator. Dispose after rotting.
- Laugh with friends about the experience while discussing rising food prices and store produce safety.
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